Love, Life, Get screwed

I've been down the pub tonight, watching the liverpool gooner game which i hate to say that we lost 3-1, i happen to be a liverpool fc fan. The most consecquential thing about the evening was my conversation with Hamster.

Hamster is on the inner circle as he is friends with both Voldermort and myself, this brings to light a lot of issues, conflict of interest being one. Anyway i've had an indepth discussion with him tonight about many things, my baby being the most important, at several points i was in tears in the middle of the pub, i tried very hard to keep myself composed but I'm being torn in two. Do i forget that i have/will have a daughter very soon and walk away or do i stand my ground and continue to rip myself apart in the most severe of ways?

I must admit that my hightend sense of emotional sensuality has probably been amplified by the fact i temporarily fell off the wagon, i've had 3 pints this evening plus a shot or two of jack. I now know that i was used for the last 18-20 months, i also know that if i was to walk away then i would miss out on the most important parts of my life so far, but this doesn't make my decision any easier. If i give in to what she wants, would that really make me any less of a man? I know that i have gained respect among my peers through staying with a lady that has already 3 children that are not of my blood and i have to say that i love each one of them as if they were my own.

But I'm not their main role model now, infact i'm nothing to do with them so y do i think about them so much? Is it because i now dont believe they have a stable home life? NO. I know that their mum will do everything in her power to make their lives safe and secure, but does that make me feel any better? No.

The bottom line is that before tonight i didn't think that i was too hurt, now i know that i am and every day that goes by makes the cut run that much deeper. I love Pretty Lady, I love the family that i had, i love my un-born daughter more than she will ever know and its ripping me in two knowing that i will miss her birth, maybe even the first years of her life, all those special moments, its killing me, thats why i go to the gym so much, its an escape, something else to think about, something alse to cause me pain! I dont know why Pretty Lady has done what she has done, maybe it was to release me but i think its more malevalent that, i think it was a scheme from the start and i was merely a pawn in the plans.

This quote thanks to shakespear, "to be or not to be, that is the question?!?!?!"

Well hello world, today woke up really early, I haven't been sleeping too well of late but I think its getting easier, i'm talking about the gym and my ol' love life.

First the gym, today I increased the weights that I do, I also set a new PB on the treadmill, I ran for 6 n 1/2 mins, considering i'm not a runner thats pretty good, I'm really feeling change, change within, to the person I was and also change in my physical appearence, all for the better i hope. PS I think i'm getting addicted to my self-improvement plan!

Second the love life bit, its getting easier to think about the past without getting wound up with the what ifs cause at the end of the day whats done is done, you cant change it, you cant effect the past because it is just that, the past, all you can do is look to the future and embrace it with open arms!

Now for the blogs quote; "because its all in my head, I think about it over and over again, i cant keep picturing you with him, n it hurts so bad, cause its all in my head, i think about it over and over again, i replay it over and over again n i cant take it n i cant shake it.... over and over again, cause its all in my head"
I'd like to thank Nelly and Tim McGraw for that one.

Peace and i'm out