Love, Life, Get screwed

I really wsas a bad man last night... I went out with a couple of my mates, Big T and Big L and Big T met a girl down the boozer that he really likes, I'm sorry to say that she ended up into me and totally blew off Big T. What can I say, I like the girl, shes stunning. Anyway, if you read this Big T, I'm sorry for treading on your toes.

Also had a couple of txt messages from Pretty Lady this morning... Back to the same old stuff... Your not gonna see your baby ever.... Blah blah blah. Anyway I really dont care, I'm taking her to court, I'm fed up with her being horrible, nasty, spitefull, vindictive and trying even now we've finished to control my life. ITS NOT HAPPENING!!!

I've also been speaking to the girl from last night for most the morning... hmmm

This quote is mine... "Everyone needs some1, some1 needs everything and every1 and I need my daughter, she needs me."

Ha ha I am invincible, there was a time for reflection, a time for reminiscing, that time has now past. I'm not silly enough to believe a word that comes from Pretty Lady's mouth, I know her game.

She will not put me on the birth cert so she can claim benefit and hold me to ransom, ie I pay her loads of cash and I will be able to see my Little Princess, I am no fool, I have had over the last few days many moments of intense clarity, I've spoken to my solicitor and I will be going for a Parental Responsibility Order, which I'm affraid to say Pretty Lady will contest by means of first saying that I am not the father... So I will get a court order for a DNA test, then she will say what a horrible person I am, taking drugs, drinking to excess and that I have a problem controlling my temper, she will say that I scare her. NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. Of course I will probably have to prove this in court but bring it on.

I have awoken to the belief that she has only told me she still loves me as a means of control, so I will bow to her wishes and do what I am told, I cannot allow this to happen. She is also trying to keep me waiting in the wings for when things with Voldermort dont work out, which will probably be sooner rather than later, this is another reason why I must have either my name on the birth cert or a Parental Responsibilty Order, I will and must bloke his move to adopt her. He will walk out on the family that I loved so much and the family that I still care for. I actually feel sorry for Pretty Lady, I think she knows as well as the rest of us that her affairs with Voldermort will not work out, this will probably destroy her and her two oldest boys, i really do miss the kids.

Anyway good luck to them. By the way, she and Voldermort are both Chelsea fans... Says it all, but everyone knows, "Chelsea men will always finish second best to a Liverpool Man."

"As I walk through the valley in the shadow of death, I stop to smell the roses and to appreciate all the love, goodness and kindness all around me."

Today.... I nearly died, I drive a big Merc Sprinter for my job and today driving down the M23 I very nearly lost it... Cruising along at 70mph a gust of wind hit n i was on 2 wheels! Scared the shit out of me! You know what? I was actually botherd about croaking it, not like the last time, last time I really couldn't have given a flying pigs scroatum!

Anyway i think this is in-part to do with the fact that I've met my Butterfly, I still haven't got her number and she still hasn't got mine so I went down the gym tonight with every intention of getting it and asking her out. Guess what? She wasn't fucking there!!! For fucks sake someone just fucking put a gun to my well-groomed studley head and pull the cuntish trigger. Just my bloody luck.

I was gonna take advantage of my connection at a local flower shop and send her a single red rose with a few nice words on the card and my number but I was warned of this approach by my mother who thinks that its too strong and i might scare her off? What'd you reckon?

One last statement; Fuck pretty lady, she thinks shes gonna control me now that we're not together like she did when we were she's got another bloody thing comming, she has got one hell of a fight comming her way, Voldermort thinks he's adopting my Little Princess.... OVER MY DEAD BODY!!

Rob's Final Thought;

"It is a foolish man who sleeps while his competitors work!"

I'd just like to thank the people that have commented on my situation/blog and for the advice given, I shall try to keep everything in mind when i choose which way to go with everything.

The difficulty is that if I just loom in the wings, I'll hardly see my little girl, if i'm too in Pretty Lady's face i'll NEVER see my Little Princess unless of course I abduct her and head off to spain change our names and live on the run.... Not a good option really, I think I'll have to utilise the quote which i'll finish this blog off with;

"Keep your friends close but your enemies closer."

Right well where do i start? I'll start from sunday and my last blog.
She didn't reply to my email till the morning of monday, she told me that I would not be there for the birth, Voldermort would be, I would find out a couple of days later... Confirmed, I WILL NOT BE ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!! This is so I will have no rights over her... She went on to give me the impression that she still loves me and if i get myself sorted out we may get back together! Anyway... This as you can imagine left me dazed and confused... Completely mind fucked actually.

Carrying on... Today i've been thinking about all the poss outcomes and routes to those outcomes.... I got very depressed... But this evening I went to the gym to get rid of all the stress that i'm feeling as I usually do and guess what?

Rob chatted up some1... Used small talk too! Her name is... well better not use her real name so I shall name her Butterfly... I'm punching well above my weight but we were talking for a good long while, i didn't go as far as to ask her out cause i'm skint till the end of the month but i think i've laid a good foundation.

So 3 cheers for me; Hip Hip
Hip Hip
Hip Hip

Give it up for StudleyWonderFuck, hes my alter ego, he hasn't been aloud out for a while for obvious reasons.

"The path to true love never runs smoothly and is never clear"

I'm in such a dark place right now, I feel like there's nowhere to turn and I feel so alone. My parents have been there for me bless 'em but all they can do is offer me a cuddle from time to time which is nice but nothing stops. The pain doesn't go away, the darkness that I feel inside doesn't go away.

I only think about my Little Princess now, I cant get her off my mind, so many questions, is she really mine or was I totally used and totally robbed, I cant sleep and I cant eat because of what Pretty Lady is doing to me. I try to get on with things and for 5 mins I can be ok then it starts again, the darkness and pain.

I just want it all to stop, the pain to go away so I can get on with living my life. I dont feel alive at the moment, its not because of the fact my relationship with Pretty Lady has ended, its my daughter, I'd be the best dad, always there for her, just to listen or to protect, I'd give my life for her and I dont think that she'll ever know how I feel, she'll be a stranger to me and I to her, I never wanted this, not for my daughter. I'll quite literally be the last to know when shes here and that hurts so much. I just want it to stop, theres a gapping hole in my chest and I cant stop my soul from pouring out.

"It is better to have loved and lost rather than never to have loved at all."

The way things are I cant agree.

Pretty Lady,

I understand that you want Mrs Hamster to be there, I understand your reasons.
But I'm not happy or comfortable with the fact that Voldermort will be there and not myself. Was everything that you have ever said to me a lie? What did I ever do to you that makes you want to hurt me so? Voldermort has nothing to do with our daughter, it is not right or proper that he should be there. It is not right or proper that he will hold her before I do.

I am at a total loss for comprehension why you are being so incredibly vindictive. Am I really the biological father to this baby? The way that you are being towards me suggests that I'm not.

All I ever did was love you, I loved you while we were together to see you happy, I loved you enough to let you go to find happiness somewhere else. I really dont understand what I've done to warrant such torture and blaitant disregard for my feelings.

Sincerely

Rob

>Rob

the answer to your question is no. i do not want you there, im the one who
will be going through this and i want and need someone there i want and
also feel comfortable with,you must see that. Mrs Hamster is my best friend ive
always wanted her there and she still will be, also me and Voldermort have spoken
and he wants to be there too, as he will be bringing her up it will be
good for him to be there right from the start and bond with her. im sorry
but this is how it is.

Now please get on with your life, stop going on to people about the
situation coz nothing is going to change,and let me get on with mine.

Pretty Lady

Pretty Lady,

I know you asked me not to contact and i've respected that but I must ask you this one more time, please will you allow me to be at my Little princess' birth?
Even if you just bring me into the room for that moment when she arrives then ask me to leave, I'd respect your wish and go. She is my first born, maybe the only baby i'll have, I really do not want to miss the first moment of her life. I'll be absent for her first smile, her first words, her first steps and many other beautiful moments throughout her early years. Please give me this one thing.

Yours hopefully

Rob

Its the intorrerable monotiny that blinds us through life,
Pointless conversations causing bother and strife,
The road is windy, its dark and its twisted,
If you blink once or twice, its life and you've missed it.

You can try to find meaning in all that has happened,
But all that you'll find is emotion thats sullen,
Its not always clear the line you should take,
How you should act, be real or be fake.

You can pump all the weights to try and escape,
Chances a fresh you should never hesitate,
To reach out and grab what you could hold true,
To push yourself up, it beats being blue.

The strength to see and follow through all,
The strength to stand fast, the strength to grow tall,
Ignoring the negative just live for the plus,
To stand and to fight this is all a true must.

"Poetry is a window to the soul."

Sorry I haven't done anything for a couple of days all those who wait on my every word.

Well the last couple of days have been and gone much the same as the week before, been quite depressed but I've been able to keep it together, I haven't blubbered for a while so i guess thats a good thing.

Last night I went out with Mr and Mrs Hamster after the gym, I'm sorry to say I fell of the wagon, i had 6 pints, supprisingly I wasn't too drunk considering all i had to eat yesterday was 8 carrots! Anyway it was one of those evenings when Pretty Lady was the main topic of conversation, I found out a couple of things.

1. Mrs Hamster will definately be the birthing partner and she is not allowed to tell me when my daughter is born, Voldermort will not be present at my Little Princess' birth. I dont think even Pretty Lady's that horrible, but I've been wrong before. Apparently Pretty lady wants to have her and get home b4 she picks up the phone to tell me that I'm a daddy. WOW I really hate the fact that I have to be thankfull to her even after the fact that I will miss my first born child's birth, I wont be there to witness the moment when she comes into this world. That hurts me so much, I may try an email to see if she will reconsider but after everything I dont think she will.

2. I'm actually over Pretty Lady, I can think about the nasty stuff that its not healthy to and it doesn't bother me.

This is where the inequality comes in, why because we weren't married is everything set up in favour of women? I understand the breast feeding bit but what about after that? Especially as I wasn't the one to split the family, she was with her unfaithfullness, o yeah thats another thing I found out last night she was unfaithfull to me for the last 2 months minimum. lol makes me laugh. Pretty Lady's a bit of a harlet really and a benefit hussy!

Right its Sat 13th Jan at 10:51 and i'm gonna have a curry. So I shall leave you with this;

"Life is what happens while your waiting to die"

Today hasn't been particulary good, I'm a Liverpool fan, we've just lost 6-3 to the gooner youngster team, to be fair though it was an exciting finish to the game anyway enough of that.

Today wasn't a good day emotionally, i've been thinking about all the nastiness thats been going on and I was on a bit of a downer. Doing the job that i do i'm on my tod for most the day with my own thoughts, this can be quite a detrimental experience like it was today. I still cant understand why Pretty Lady is being so horrible, i treated her well, she got flowers, she got all that she asked for, i never cheated on her and most importantly i respected her, i gave my life to her and this is how she repays me, using my unborn daughter as a weapon against me.

She also started to try and get people on her side, making up lies to make herself the victim. I'm sorry was she the one who was used for 18-20 months? NO! Was she the one who put repeated unfaithfulness to the back of her mind? NO! That was me too. I'm so frustrated with the whole situation but plans are in motion, it all depends on what the Pretty Lady does, one thing i am not is stupid and if she thinks that i am and do not know what game she is playing then she is horribly mistaken.

"Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart and you'lll never walk alone..... You'lllll never walk alone!"

Its the incessant monotiny of the daily grind that gets to me, I mean being left alone with ones thoughts is a scary prospect for most and i'm no exception to that, at the moment it has a hightend fright factor for me because of what is happening in my personal life. But that is neither here nor there, the point of this blog is to try and convince myself that no matter how much of a hard time your having you can and will always find a way to centre yourself.

With me its goin down the gym and becoming a role model of the highest level, but to do this I will have to take every opportunity that comes my way, no matter how insignificant it may seem. I've finally found out wht the difference between success and failure is, it may seem obvious to most but anyway, you must have the will and drive to become better, you must set goals and assetain them and you must be ready to listen and learn from your mistakes and from others.

That will be my final thought of the day.

"Never has so much been owed by so many to so few" - Mr Winston Churchill

Evening, hows its goin my bloggin' massive?
Well today, i had another contact with Pretty Lady. It wasn't a nice experience but then again I'm inclined to think that there wont be many nice moments where she is concerned.

It was about two o'clock, I'd just txt Mrs Hamster about a swaddle/swaft/baby's blanket. Its been in my family for a couple of generations and my mother understandibly wanted it back as Pretty Lady had it in her posession. Well the reply came from Pretty Lady direct in another txt message, it read; "No yr not and it makes no difference to u anyway. Dont txt Mrs + Mr Hamster, dont get them involved it not fair. When i've sorted out the rest of ur sh1t i'll let u know." well that wasn't too nice was it? The no difference to me bit was in reference to the fact that i asked Mrs Hamster whether I was a daddy yet.

Another txt came about 10mins later, that read; "All yr stuff is outside my front door, dont leave it too long it will get wet. Dont contact me again. And dont involve Mrs and Mr Hamster its casing them to row."

Well to be fair yeah its not ideal using Mr n Mrs H as a go between but what else could I do, I respected Pretty Lady's wishes by not contacting her but the grief that my mother was giving me about that baby blanket, what could I do? What would you have done?

This is the really nasty bit in my eyes, as I've said before, i've paid for the first year of the babies life already, decorated her room, bought a very nice all singing all dancing push chair pram thingy, all the clothes she will need for 12 months, i've got a whole bag of them here too! And she send me back one thing, the last thing that i had bought for the baby, its a t-shirt that says "I love my daddy" and in smaller print "And he loves me" I dont know about you lot but i think that thats pretty nasty.

I feel so sorry for Mr H, he's well and truely stuck in the middle cause i'm his best mate and have been for years and Mrs H is Pretty Lady's best mate, she is also her birthing partner now. Which reminds me, doesn't that make her involved anyway?

"If you aim too high and miss theres a long fall awaiting you."

Hello all, i didn't blog yesterday as i was still pretty down after all the smashing of my emotional walls, it left me in quite a weakend/sorry state, I apologise for this and i'll try never to let it happen again. I'm stronger than most, whether that be in the physical or anything else. Besides, i know i've said it before but i think its something you have to beleive for it to come to fruition. Whats the point in stressing about things that've happened or things you have no control over??

Anyway back to things, since the word has got out that i'm single again i've had a few past female aquaintances make contact, this can only be good? I've also taken the oppurtunity to talk to as many women as possible, one to work on my small talk skills and two cause its fun!!

"All good things come to those that wait."

I've been down the pub tonight, watching the liverpool gooner game which i hate to say that we lost 3-1, i happen to be a liverpool fc fan. The most consecquential thing about the evening was my conversation with Hamster.

Hamster is on the inner circle as he is friends with both Voldermort and myself, this brings to light a lot of issues, conflict of interest being one. Anyway i've had an indepth discussion with him tonight about many things, my baby being the most important, at several points i was in tears in the middle of the pub, i tried very hard to keep myself composed but I'm being torn in two. Do i forget that i have/will have a daughter very soon and walk away or do i stand my ground and continue to rip myself apart in the most severe of ways?

I must admit that my hightend sense of emotional sensuality has probably been amplified by the fact i temporarily fell off the wagon, i've had 3 pints this evening plus a shot or two of jack. I now know that i was used for the last 18-20 months, i also know that if i was to walk away then i would miss out on the most important parts of my life so far, but this doesn't make my decision any easier. If i give in to what she wants, would that really make me any less of a man? I know that i have gained respect among my peers through staying with a lady that has already 3 children that are not of my blood and i have to say that i love each one of them as if they were my own.

But I'm not their main role model now, infact i'm nothing to do with them so y do i think about them so much? Is it because i now dont believe they have a stable home life? NO. I know that their mum will do everything in her power to make their lives safe and secure, but does that make me feel any better? No.

The bottom line is that before tonight i didn't think that i was too hurt, now i know that i am and every day that goes by makes the cut run that much deeper. I love Pretty Lady, I love the family that i had, i love my un-born daughter more than she will ever know and its ripping me in two knowing that i will miss her birth, maybe even the first years of her life, all those special moments, its killing me, thats why i go to the gym so much, its an escape, something else to think about, something alse to cause me pain! I dont know why Pretty Lady has done what she has done, maybe it was to release me but i think its more malevalent that, i think it was a scheme from the start and i was merely a pawn in the plans.

This quote thanks to shakespear, "to be or not to be, that is the question?!?!?!"

Well hello world, today woke up really early, I haven't been sleeping too well of late but I think its getting easier, i'm talking about the gym and my ol' love life.

First the gym, today I increased the weights that I do, I also set a new PB on the treadmill, I ran for 6 n 1/2 mins, considering i'm not a runner thats pretty good, I'm really feeling change, change within, to the person I was and also change in my physical appearence, all for the better i hope. PS I think i'm getting addicted to my self-improvement plan!

Second the love life bit, its getting easier to think about the past without getting wound up with the what ifs cause at the end of the day whats done is done, you cant change it, you cant effect the past because it is just that, the past, all you can do is look to the future and embrace it with open arms!

Now for the blogs quote; "because its all in my head, I think about it over and over again, i cant keep picturing you with him, n it hurts so bad, cause its all in my head, i think about it over and over again, i replay it over and over again n i cant take it n i cant shake it.... over and over again, cause its all in my head"
I'd like to thank Nelly and Tim McGraw for that one.

Peace and i'm out

Well she has now taken me off her MSN contact list and probably blocked me.

I think it was cause i have added some new pix to my "myspace", i ask you this ladies and gentlemen, why is it ok for her to rub it in my face that she has moved on? She got back with her ex, after supposedly hating him for leaving her at the alter a few days after ending it with me, while she's now nearly 36 weeks pregnant with my baby? She has done everything she can to be hurtfull and spitefull to me and i've not been too bitter. And because i've added a pik or two of some new friends, not met on the net i'll add shes got the strop?!?!?

Maybe she did still have feelings for me? Maybe she just kunted me off because she felt like it? Maybe it was all a test to check my commitment? (the last i dont think, you'll know why if you've read my blog from the begining!)

Do you think that even if it was because i'm moving on that i could've hurt her? I dont think too highly of that idea either. So whats the bet now then I hear you ask? Well the bet is, "how long do you think it'll be before I find out that my Little Princess has come into the world?"

"I'm just trying to get a laugh for sh1ts and giggles"

You know, the more I begin to think about life in general, the more i flucking hate the conetish thing, I swear the more I delve into the meanings of life the more spasticated and retarded i get! But then thats not even mentioning the complete mongolisation of the general populous. Like this whole business with the ex, hats off to the bird she played me well, she had a game plan n stuck to it, but she is the exception to the rule.

I'm sorry, women on a whole cant drive, u know why they dont have as many accidents as males? Cause all us blokes feel sorry for the demented cattle and swerve to avoid thus hitting something or someone else, this leaves the female looking in the mirror (while putting on her war paint and flucking lippy) saying to herself how stupid us blokes r!! Thats just the start, people r stupid, you watch people aimlessly wandering around london, like cattle but the difference is cattle r more intelligent, they know why they're here, to procreate and to eat, people know flucking nothing. I think on another blog I may have to rant about the general state of society and the fact that due to the media and womens sexual liberation, most birds out there are flucking slappers and R2D-tards. That concludes this rant.

"Go and make me some flucking money b1tch"